I don’t like feelings. I especially don’t appreciate not knowing what I am feeling, aka: alexithymia.
I fear that I am feeling disappointed.
In general, I find it very hard to figure out what I’m feeling. I can’t distinguish what it is I’m feeling or why I am feeling a certain way. After years and years of research I finally found a quite plausable reason for this: Alexithymia.
Have you ever heard of alexithymia? A quick Google search says: Alexithymia is a broad term to describe problems with feeling emotions. In fact, this Greek term used in Freudian psychodynamic theories loosely translates to “no words for emotion.”
I would love to say that I am “in touch” with my emotions but they kinda just evade me. Alexithymia is really so lovely.
So, after feeling crappy most of today, I finally have come to the conclusion that I feel disappointed. I’m also quite annoyed that I feel disappointed because logically I know that why I am feeling this way is not that big of a deal.
Anywho. Let me tell you about it. So, like about a week ago I found out that one of my good friend’s little girl (aka not so little anymore) just graduated high school. I was so happy! I was like, finally! School sucks! And I proposed we have a graduation party because hey, getting through school is a big deal.
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, 5:20pm, I am late because my parents couldn’t catch a clue if it was right in front of them and even though I told them I would like to be at the party at 5. Anyway.
I finally make it and guess what? One of the girls that was helping to set up everything went to take a shower and was now half an hour late as well.
So, I’m already anxious and annoyed because I’m late and nothing is going as planned, and only about 6 people are actually at the place. 4 of which I didn’t invite!! (Side point: I made the list of who was invited but basically no one that I invited came and people I really don’t like/know came. Ugh)
Then the graduate got there. And she was not impressed with us. Maybe she was happy on the inside but on the outside it seemed like she was pissed as heck. I gave her a hug but she was rigid as a door. (I felt incredibly awkward.)
She says hi to everyone, they use my phone to put on music, and she turns to me and says: “Where is everyone?” And I truly had nothing to say to that because I hate everyone and everyone is late. (This is why it’s important to not have high or any expectations in general.) And I say: “They’re on their way. Late as always.” Not that anyone really showed up after that anyway.
I give her a little gift bag and again, doesn’t seem excited. I know I shouldn’t judge but when people give me something I usually try to at least act excited.
She was definitely excited about the letter the boy she liked gave her, whoop, whoop. I dunno, I’m probably just being dramatic and jealous but I think I may possibly be a little hurt lol.
She’s like noooo I don’t want to play games. Let’s dance! Oh I hate this song, how about another.
Just thinking back is making me terribly anxious and I just took half a Xanax.
I’m also still mad that the girl that said she was going to go take a shower for half an hour showed up nearly two hours later. 2. hours. later. 2. I’m sorry, what? Did you get kidnapped? Did you die on the way back? Hello? Also her phone doesn’t work so it’s not like you can just call her.
2 hours. I’m still mad lol. Because half of the people there at the party were people I wasn’t close with and I was uncomfy because the graduate was being almost handsy with a boy.
I’m tired. I don’t know what I want to do or where to go. I want to go to Europe and escape and be paid by the government to own a bed and breakfast and hopefully not be known by absolutely anyone and live off of blogging and my novels.
Anywhosel. That probs ain’t gonna happen. I had to take money out of my savings this month. I’m so disappointed in that as well. I don’t even really know what I spent my money on.
Good grief. Somebody just take me out already. I’d appreciate it.
So, that’s a little bit of life with alexithymia. I know some people have it a lot worse and really can’t tell at all any emotions but hey. I just have a hard time distinguishing and feeling them.
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