Cooking Blog – A Bust?

I want to know what my thoughts were when I decided to make a website. I’m like, girl? You can barely keep any of your hobbies. You think you can make a “successful” cooking blog? And it’s kind of upsetting, because, really. I haven’t made a cooking video in, what, two years? Good grief. I haven’t even made a recipe lately. What’s even worse is that I make gluten-free cake mixes just because it’s easier! Ugh! An utter failure! What is this nonsense??

I can’t write, I can’t read, I can’t draw, I can’t cook and I am barely going to make my rent this month which is absolutely insane!

Only one of those statements is actually true and it’s the one I wish wasn’t. I want to be a published author but no one wants an author that hasn’t graduated some fancy college and has multiple submissions to different literary journals, or if they do publish someone it’s for a trashy novel that has the cartoon characters on the front as if it’s not filled with gross sex scenes. It upsets me that I can’t seem to catch anyone’s attention.

At this point, I should just throw the book in the garbage because the ending sucks and truthfully no one has even read it. I try and I try to get people to read it and they’re like, “Yeah! Cf course! I’ll read it! You wrote a book? How cool!” and then. No. One. Reads. The. Book. Except for Mary. Mary, I love you and I wasn’t thinking about you when I wrote this rant. You’re amazing. And my sister, who is the only person who actually liked reading the story.

I feel like a beggar on the street, saying, “Please! A crumb of your attention! Just a small glance in this direction. It will make you happy! It’s a good book! It’s a fun read. Dear GOD WOULD YOU JUST LOOK OVER HERE!!” But isn’t that what happens when everything and everyone is on the internet, trying to be seen? Don’t we all just want a crumb, a speck of attention from anyone?

So, yes, my cooking blog has been a failure. I don’t think anyone besides my sister has even looked at my recipes. You know what’s funny? Is that my best post on here is for the C-Drama Go Ahead. lol. Who would have thought that was the one? Weird stuff.

Sometimes, I think, “Oh, I could be a great cartoonist, a webtoon drawer, a cool little snippet artist!” And I cannot. I like art, I love art – I am mediocre at best. But every so often, when I see someone who does a dumb little drawing and get hundreds of likes of a bear that just stares out in the distance, it irks me. It infuriates me. It gives me unbridled jealousy. Why can’t I do that? How come they’re praised and lauded and get followers but when I try my best, all I get is three people liking my video that I spent half an hour filming and cringing over because it’s incredibly hard to put myself out there and I get… nothing. Ugh.

I’m so tired. Maybe I should get a part-time job stacking shelves and crying in the bathroom. I like my job. SEO. You’d think I’d do better on my own website, but I guess I don’t really have the motivation. I have the skills, yes, but I don’t get paid to sit here and write. Which is kind of ironic because people are like! You shouldn’t be focusing on the money! Where’s your joy and whimsy? Bro. I’m literally going to be living on 20 dollars or less for two weeks. I won’t be able to even fill up my car.

How am I supposed to focus on whimsy and happiness when I am FREAKING OUT? It upsets me because it seems like others aren’t as scared as I am. That a kid five years younger has a way better job and gets paid way more than I do and I’m 25 and can’t figure out what to do and I’m scared and tired and I keep gaining weight even though I do everything I’m supposed to and I keep making mistakes and I keep looking back and seeing what I could have done differently and I can’t find joy and I’m concentrating too much on myself and I can’t get my meds and I’m tired.

So yeah. I’m doing great. I’m doing really good with my failed cooking blog. I’m doing great with my life. I know exactly what I’m doing. I have no certifications and I am losing my marbles and feel like crying 90% of the day but I’m doing good.

You know you’re desperate when you start looking around your room looking for things you can sell. An old purse, old clothing, and once those old things aren’t selling, you start looking at your laptop, at your phone and considering selling those and getting something cheaper, less cool.

I am jealous of the people whose parents take care of them even when they’re older than eighteen. I jealous that someone’s dad paid for their car to be fixed. I’m jealous my friend’s dad bought them Tupperware and a blender. I’m jealous that I can’t have that. I’m jealous when my mother spends more time with a child that isn’t hers. I’m jealous that my sister has a nice husband and is happy. I’m jealous that other people can just go travel and have money to travel and rent and live and eat out without freaking out over their bank account.

So, yeah. I’m happy with my failed cooking blog. It represents everything I am and do. Scatterbrained, sad, gluten free and falling apart true to tradition, and failing. It’s a testament, you know? It’s just showing you what I am.

Am I really still going on about my cooking blog? yeah. Probably not. But I feel marginally better even though literally no one is going to read this, it’s kind of a nice little diary post.

Aywhosel. I’ll go back to finish my two hours of work left for the month to which I’ll be left destitute and poor.